The Texan Chilli Judging Joke
OK, if we're being honest this has very little to do with throwing a party, and even less to do with football, but it was one of those joke emails that actually made us laugh,
so we thought we'd share it with you!
Texas Chilli Contest
The story goes that a visitor to Texas (let's call him "Rob") was asked to stand in as one of three judges at a chilli cooking contest at the local county show.
Apparently the original judge called in sick at the last moment, and Rob just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was told by the other two judges (native Texans)
that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and that he would be entitled to free beer during the tasting, so he accepted.
Each judge wrote down their comments about each of the chillies they tasted. Here are their comments:
Chilli 1: "Martha's Maniac Monster Chilli"
- Judge 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
- Judge 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
- Judge 3 (Rob): What the hell is this stuff?! You could use it to remove dried paint from your walls.
Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chilli 2: "Al's Afterburner Chilli"
- Judge 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
- Judge 2: Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
- Judge 3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli 3: "Bertha-Lou's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli"
- Judge 1: Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
- Judge 2: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
- Judge 3: Call the emergency services! I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...
Chilli 4: "Billy's Black Magic"
- Judge 1: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
- Judge 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chilli.
- Judge 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli 5: "Linda's Legal Lip Remover"
- Judge 1: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
- Judge 2: Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
- Judge 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly onto it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks...
Chilli 6: "Vince's Very Vegetarian Variety"
- Judge 1: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
- Judge 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
- Judge 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair!
No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chilli 7: "Sue's Screaming Sensation"
- Judge 1: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
- Judge 2: Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment.
I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
- Judge 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli 8: "Tyrone's Toe-Curling Chilli"
- Judge 1: The perfect ending, this is a nicely blended chilli. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
- Judge 2: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chilli
pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?
- Judge 3: .........
